Garden Gnomes

by

Selma had been visiting her friends Hildi and Hulda in Cornwall and, as she emphasised, had spent “a thoroughly lovely time” there. People who say “thoroughly lovely” often bring things back with them.
When she arrived back at our place yesterday afternoon, she was first greeted with great enthusiasm. Kisses. Hugs. A joyful commotion. Then she stepped mysteriously up to the kitchen window.
“Look,” she said solemnly. “I’ve brought you something!” We looked out. It was a garden gnome. Not just any garden gnome. A garden gnome holding a thick book. He looked like a retired librarian from an enchanted forest.
Before we could even react, Siri shot out into the garden like a bolt of lightning, grabbed the completely taken-aback gnome and, with utter contempt, chucked him into the grey bin. Selma burst into hysterical tears at the kitchen table.

Selma war bei ihren Freundinnen Hildi und Hulda in Cornwall gewesen und hatte dort, wie sie betonte, „eine rundum schöne Zeit“ verbracht. Menschen, die „rundum schön“ sagen, bringen oft Dinge mit.
Als sie gestern Nachmittag wieder bei uns ankam, wurde sie zunächst ausgiebig begrüßt. Küsschen. Umarmungen. Freudiges Durcheinander. Dann trat sie geheimnisvoll ans Küchenfenster.
„Schaut mal“, sagte sie feierlich. „Ich habe euch etwas mitgebracht!“ Wir schauten hinaus. Es war ein Gartenzwerg. Nicht irgendeiner. Ein Gartenzwerg mit einem dicken Buch in den Händen. Er sah aus wie ein pensionierter Bibliothekar aus einem Märchenwald.
Noch ehe wir reagieren konnten, schoss Siri wie ein geölter Blitz hinaus in den Garten, packte den völlig überraschten Zwerg und warf ihn voller Verachtung in die graue Mülltonne. Selma brach am Küchentisch in hysterisches Weinen aus.

Gnomes live ten times faster than humans. They’re harder to see than a high-speed mouse. That’s one reason why most humans hardly ever see them. And humans are very good at not seeing things they know aren’t there. – Terry Pratchett

“I won’t have that sort of kitsch in our garden!” cried Siri, beside herself.
Selma jumped to her feet. “Calling folk art ‘kitsch’ is totally snobbish! Besides, even the Chelsea Flower Show is allowing garden gnomes this year!”
That was apparently a weighty cultural-historical argument. 
Siri crossed her arms. “Kitsch,” she declared with the severity of an art theorist, “is an artefact that has nothing new to say.”
“So art without a message?” asked Selma.
“Exactly!”
“That’s nonsense! Anyone who sees that gnome at the front of our lawn will smile. It puts you in a good mood!”
“And anyway, gnomes don’t exist! Gnomes are child’s play!”
“Terry Pratchett, an expert on dwarves, says in ‘Wings’ that dwarves live ten times as fast as humans. They’re harder to spot than a high-speed mouse, which is one of the reasons most people don’t see them. Another reason is that people are good at not seeing things they know don’t exist – just like you, Siri.”

„So ein Kitsch kommt mir nicht in unseren Garten!“ rief Siri außer sich.
Selma sprang auf. „Volkskunst als Kitsch zu bezeichnen ist voll snobistisch! Außerdem sind dieses Jahr selbst bei der Chelsea Flower Show Gartenzwerge zugelassen!“
Das war offenbar ein schwerwiegendes kulturhistorisches Argument.
Siri verschränkte die Arme. „Kitsch“, erklärte sie mit der Strenge einer Kunsttheoretikerin, „ist ein Artefakt, das einem nichts Neues zu sagen hat.“
„Also Kunst ohne Message?“ fragte Selma.
„Genau!“
„Das ist doch Quatsch! Jeder Mensch, der vorne auf unserer Wiese diesen Zwerg sieht, wird schmunzeln. Er macht gute Laune!“
“Und überhaupt gibt es keine Zwerge! Zwerge sind Kinderkram!”
“Dazu sagt Terry Pratchett, ein intimer Kenner der Zwerge, in ‘Wings‘, dass Zwerge zehnmal so schnell wie Menschen leben. Sie sind schwerer zu sehen als eine high-speed Maus, was einer der Gründe ist, warum die meisten Menschen sie nicht sehen. Noch ein Grund ist, dass Menschen gut darin sind, das nicht zu sehen, von dem sie wissen, dass es dies nicht gibt – genau wie du Siri.”

Our modern garden gnome by Made in Cley

At this point, Siri faltered.
“Somehow, that doesn’t quite fit with my theory of kitsch,” she muttered. “Kitsch is more like something you’ve seen a thousand times before. Something like a cliché.”
The discussion was in danger of stalling when Kb, who had been silently sipping his tea until then, suddenly intervened. “Dwarves,” he began, “have been highly skilled, wealthy producers of invisibility cloaks since the Middle Ages.”
Everyone fell silent.
“Ever since Siegfried, the dragon-slayer, obtained his invisibility cloak from them, there’s probably been a sign hanging on that dwarves’ cave: ‘By Appointment of Heroes’.”
He spoke at length about the dwarf Alberich from the ‘Nibelungenlied‘ and the ‘Ortnit’, a medieval heroic tale in which Alberich possessed superhuman powers; about medieval mythology; and about how the modern garden gnomes with the red pointed cap only came into being in the 19th century, when Philipp Griebel had the mad idea of mass-producing them.
“And from then on,” Kb concluded meaningfully, “the gnome became both kitsch and a cult figure.”

Hier geriet Siri ins Stocken.
„Irgendwie passt das nicht zu meiner Theorie von Kitsch“, murmelte sie. „Kitsch ist doch eher etwas, das man schon tausendmal gesehen hat. So etwas wie ein Klischee.“
Die Diskussion drohte sich festzufahren, als Kb, der bislang schweigend Tee getrunken hatte, plötzlich eingriff. „Zwerge“, begann er, „sind seit dem Mittelalter hochqualifizierte, wohlhabende Produzenten von Tarnkappen.“
Alle verstummten.
„Seit Siegfried, der Drachentöter, seine Tarnkappe von ihnen bezog, hängt vermutlich an jener Zwergenhöhle das Schild: ‚By Appointment of Heroes‘.“
Er referierte über den Zwerg Alberich aus dem Nibelungenlied und dem Ortnit, eine mittelalterliche Heldenerzählung, der über übermenschliche Kräfte verfügte, über mittelalterliche Mythologie und darüber, dass der moderne Gartenzwerg mit roter Zipfelmütze erst im 19. Jahrhundert entstand, als Philipp Griebel die verrückte Idee bekam, ihn in Serie herzustellen.
„Und ab da“, schloss Kb bedeutungsvoll, „wurde der Zwerg gleichzeitig Kitsch und Kult.“

The only Gartenzwerg we found in Cley was a Norwich City Football Club (the Canaries) gnome

Here in England, he went on to explain, the garden gnome has long since become a quirky garden symbol. It reveals a lot about the owner’s personality.
“And what does Selma’s gnome reveal?” asked Siri sceptically.
“That at least one person in this garden still relaxes with a book.”

Hier in England, erklärte er weiter, sei der Gartenzwerg längst zu einem skurrilen Gartensymbol geworden. Er verrät viel über die Persönlichkeit des Besitzers.
„Und was verrät Selmas Zwerg?“ fragte Siri skeptisch.
„Dass wenigstens einer in diesem Garten noch entspannt Bücher liest.

Even Siri couldn’t help but laugh at that. In the end, the garden gnome was ceremoniously rescued from the bin. However, a compromise had to be reached: for the time being, he was allowed to stand at the edge of the property — under a sort of invisibility cloak, so to speak — half-hidden behind a lavender bush.
Selma declared triumphantly: “There should be room for a bit of nonsense in our garden.”

Daraufhin musste selbst Siri lachen. Am Ende wurde der Gartenzwerg feierlich aus der Mülltonne befreit. Allerdings unter einem Kompromiss: Er durfte zunächst — gewissermaßen mit Tarnkappe — an der Grundstücksgrenze stehen, halb verborgen hinter einem Lavendelbusch.
Selma erklärte triumphierend: „In unserem Garten sollte doch Platz für Unsinn sein.”

The Fab Four of Cley
🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

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© text and illustrations, Hanne Siebers & Klausbernd Vollmar, Cley next the Sea 2026

107 thoughts

  1. I love garden gnomes! When I had a small patio garden in a London house in 1991, I had a collection of 10 different gnomes, including one over 4 feet 6 inches tall that was so heavy it took three of us to carry it from the car into the garden. When I split up with my wife, she took custody of some of the gnomes, including the biggest one, and had them in her small apartment. I left the others behind for the new owners of the house to enjoy. I think there is a lot of snobbishness about them in England, and my current wife hates them, so we don’t have any. If they made a gnome of KB like the one in the photo, I would buy it in tribute to my friends in Cley.

    Love from Beetley, Pete. X

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • Dear Pete

      Wow, you had a gnome paradise. We are impressed. And such a big gnome 👍👍
      In Germany, a lot of people have garden gnomes. There are beautiful ones, funny ones, ugly and kitschy ones. But there is quite some snobbery about garden gnomes on the continent as well. You need a special one; that’s okay.
      A garden gnome with Kb’s features – we are pretty sure that Made in Cley wouldn’t do that. Well, or they can start a trend with producing garden gnomes with features of the house owners. Could become a trend. Siri just said she would like a gnome family with Dina, Kb and Siri & Selma for our front garden. – It’s amazing how she changed her attitude.

      Thank you very much
      The Fab Four of Cley
      🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Liebe Gruesse an den “gardener gnome”, zur Zeit von der Pazifikkueste in Stinson Beach. Wenn wir wieder zuhause sind, chicken ich Dir mal Bilder von unseren garden gnomes.

    Macht’s gut,

    Pit

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • Lieber Pit

      Auf eure Gartenzwerge sind wir mächtig gespannt.
      Wir wussten gar nicht, dass ihr welche habt.

      Also bis dann und fröhliche Reise
      The Fab Four of Cley
      🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

      Like

  5. Ja, das gibt´s….Gartenzwerge sind mächtig aktiv….zum Glück habt ihr den Zwerg aus der Tonne geholt! KB als Gnom, das schafft allerdings nur die Ki….

    Herzliche Grüße vom Pialein

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

    • Dear Lisa

      These are all local gnomes from Cley next the Sea.
      Yes, Pratchett used to know about gnomes and under-carpet-people.

      Thank you
      The Fab Four of Cley
      🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    • Klaus, the gnomes George used on the lawn in the album cover for All Things Must Pass came from Bavaria. So Cley next to the Sea (which isn’t next to the sea anymore?) is in the UK?
      You’re welcome,
      Lisa

      Liked by 3 people

    • Yes, dear Lisa, Cley next the Sea is an idyllic village in East Anglia (England’s East Coast). In the long run, we’ll lose the ‘next the Sea’ because of silting.
      The Fab Four of Cley
      🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

      Like

  12. It’s a little known fact that gnomes, garden and otherwise, also can be found in the American West. In fact, there’s a song that can be heard around campfires from time to time, when cowboys are relaxing from their labors:

    “Gnomes, gnomes on the range,tempting both deer and cattle to play;where never is heard a disparaging word,and odd thoughts can roam freely all day…”

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

  13. Oh my dear friends, I loved this discussion and found myself pondering the question beneath the laughter: who gets to decide what is “kitsch”?

    Siri was quite eloquent in her argument. The idea that kitsch is something that has nothing new to say is an intriguing one, and it certainly gave me pause. Yet I also found myself wondering whether objects can acquire meaning simply because people love them. A garden gnome, a favourite ornament, a well-loved teacup, or an old book may not impress an art critic, but they can still carry memories, affection, and joy. Klausbernd’s contribution about dwarves, invisibility cloaks, and medieval mythology came at a perfect moment.

    Selma’s final remark may be the wisest of all: “There should be room for a bit of nonsense in our garden.” I would extend that thought to life itself. Sending much love and many hugs to our dear friends, The Fab Four of Cley.

    P.S. I love the book gnome!!!

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

    • Dear Rebecca

      The early structuralists thought a lot about reception. They defined what kitsch is: “Kitsch is the fulfilment of the viewer’s expectations”. What is kitsch and what is not depends on what you have seen before. That means what is kitsch for me doesn’t necessarily have to be kitsch for you. Kitsch doesn’t make you think; therefore it’s liked by many people. It’s typical for a consumer society. Kitsch you just consume.

      Thanks 🙏 🙏 We send you lots of love 🥰😘😍<3 and hugs 🤗🤗🤗🤗
      The Fab Four of Cley
      🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    • Dear Klausbernd,

      I really like this definition because it reminds me that our response to something is shaped by our own experiences and expectations. What is kitsch to one person may be treasured by another. That makes me wonder whether we sometimes look down on people for the things they love without realizing that we all have our own version of kitsch somewhere in our lives. Perhaps the more interesting question is not whether something is kitsch, but why it speaks to someone. What memories, feelings, or associations does it carry? Thank you for sharing this perspective. It has certainly given me something to think about.

      Liked by 3 people

  14. Ihr Lieben In Cley, herzlichen Dank für eure interessante Geschichten zu den Gartenzwergen. Ich muss zugeben, dass ich diese eigentlich gar nicht mag, aber ich bin mit euch einverstanden, dass im Garten ein bisschen Platz für Unsinn sein soll, haha!
    Cari saluti Martina

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

  16. I am not much of a gnome fan, but the one holding a book is ridiculously cute and would surely bring character and a bit of magic to any outdoor space. Thanks for sharing, and have a good day 🙂 Aiva xx

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

    • Dear Aiva

      Actually, we are no fans of garden gnomes either. On the other hand, we love some places for silliness outside in the garden and in our house. Places that make you smile, and saying ‘stop making sense’.

      Thanks
      The Fab Four of Cley
      🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

      Like

  22. Very funny and a lovely story. I do so like the gnome looking like Kb. I’m not a fan of traditional garden gnomes but I do like the one with Kb’s face and the one sitting on the bench reading a book.

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

    • Thank you very much, dear Vicki. Yes, these are our special garden gnomes. Garden gnomes tend to look like the owners of the garden after a while. They are very adaptable.

      Have a great day
      The Fab Four of Cley
      🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  23. Hope you can see the smile and hear the laughter all the way from Down Under 🙂 ! I am a Gemini or supposed ‘twin’, so often have two opposing views as here > I’m not much for mass-produced kitsch generally but a book-reading one methinks I could happily live with peaking at me from under a bush or tree . . . and that one with the known face . . .

    Liked by 4 people

    Reply

    • Dear Eha

      Yes, we can hear the laughter and imagine your smile. We wanted to make our visitors laugh. Great that it worked.
      It’s easy to become friends with these friendly gnomes.

      Thanks
      The Fab Four of Cley
      🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  25. Ein wunderbarer Beitrag: Kitsch und Kunst, Historie und Gegenwart, Hochkultur und demokratische Kultur, alles beisammen und so herrlich vermischt, so dass es sich trefflich streiten lässt.
    Und mein Zusatz: Kitsch ist ja mittlerweile ein anerkanntes, stilistisches Mittel der aktuellen Kunst, warum auch nicht.
    Liebe Grüße vom Niederrhein!

    Liked by 4 people

    Reply

  26. A very cheerful post on a dull morning. Did Selma visit Gnome World, I wonder. I have driven past the sign many times, but not tempted. The gnomes that ASDA sell are quite dreadful. Can’t say that I have seen any in a garden. The book reading gnome is rather charming and the KB gnome is hilarious!

    Liked by 4 people

    Reply

    • Good afternoon, dear Jude

      No, Selma didn’t know about Gnome World. But she told us she doesn’t like these gnome mega-cities, but Kb would like to have a look.
      We don’t like these ASDA-gnomes either, and our gnomes don’t want to have anything to do with them.
      Well, our garden gnomes are really elitist. They are singular.

      Thank you very much
      The Fab Four of Cley
      🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  27. Famoser Gartenzwerg zum Schluss! 🙂
    Das mit dem Towel kenne ich vom Boxen her. Trowel ist der Spaten, die Kelle. Was ein echter Gärtner ist, den erhält das jedenfalls jung.

    Zu Gnomen: Ich schätze einen Esten, Freimann, Aare, der macht tolle Sachen. Findest Du leicht.

    Liked by 4 people

    Reply

  29. I am in full support of “a little nonsense in the garden”, my friend. I’m glad the garden gnome was rescued and that he’s reading comfortably under the lavender bush.

    Thank you for the laugh this morning. 🙂

    Liked by 4 people

    Reply

    • Thank you very much, dear Richard 🙏 🙏

      The reading garden gnome feels at home in our garden now. He has even a fairy friend since last week.

      Thanks
      The Fab Four of Cley
      🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  30. Liebe Fabs,
    Wie schön, dass Euer Gartenzwerg in Eurem Garten weiterleben darf! Ein Herz für Gartenzwerge🫶
    Ich oute mich mal: Ich habe drei. Sie heißen Gisela, Grünling und Grimbar. Sie sind weit über hundert Jahre alt und wollten gerne mitkommen, vom Niederrhein in den Teutoburger Wald. Es sind drei altehrwürdige Gesellen mit einer Gartenzwergehre, wie ich sie mir von manchem Politiker wünschen würde. Sie sind ziemlich ernst, über Jahrtausende domestiziert und an Menschen gewöhnt, deren Anwesenheit und Aktivitäten in der Welt sie mit milder Herablassung ertragen. Gisela erzählte mir vom Zwergenvolk: „Wer sich mit denen anlegt, geht schlimmstenfalls übern Deister und verschwindet auf ewig in Oberons unterirdischem Reich.“
    Ich weiß von unserer hiesigen Zwergenhöhle: Da bappt kein Schild dran, nur ein Gitter vor. Weil da schon mal welche drin stecken geblieben sind. Ich war als Kind mal dort und auch drin. Schon ein mystischer Ort, gar ein Portal, wer weiß?
    Alles Gute Euch und Eurem Gartenzwerg natürlich. Lavendel macht glücklich. 🙂
    Liebe Grüße
    Amélie

    Liked by 4 people

    Reply

    • Liebe Amélie

      Unsere Gartenzwerge sind Jungspunde, haben aber dennoch ihren Ehrencodex. Sie heißen gemäß ihrer germanischen Abstammung Thorin, Gimli und Snorri. Wenn sie unter sich sind, sprechen sie Altisländisch, um nicht von Außenstehenden verstanden zu werden. Ihr großes Thema ist gerade, wo denn die Gartenzwerginnen bleiben.
      “Wo man es doch heute allerorten mit Gendern hat,” meint Gimli, “ist es doch diskriminierend, dass es keine Gartenzwerginnen gibt.”
      Eine Zwergenhöhle kennen wir nicht. Entweder sind sie sehr geheim oder am Meer haben sie andere Verstecke, die ihnen die Selkies verraten haben. Und da es sie nicht gibt, kann man sie auch nicht sehen.

      Mit lieben Grüßen an eure altehrwürdigen drei Zwerge

      Liked by 2 people

  31. Dear friends,
    excellent write-up, so witty and clever and lovely illustrations!
    These garden gnomes reminds me of the Swedish version, tomte.
    Tomte, derived from the Swedish word “tomt,” or plot of land, literally means “homestead man.”
    They decorate Christmas tables and whilst they look like Father Christmas at first glance, tomte are just defined as small mythical bearded men who wear red. Quite similar to gnomes they guard homes and help with garden and farm work.

    You may not like a garden gnome, but when it comes to tomten, it’s visible in every Swedish home at the end of the year. Why do we tolerate the “adorable” XXL kitsch at Christmas? Glad you found an escape for the gnome and I’m now very much looking forward to the next discussion around your table.

    Kram
    Annalena xx

    Liked by 4 people

    Reply

    • Dear Annalena

      We have two male and one female tomte as well. Most of the time, they sleep in the garden in Dina’s shed, but from November to February, they love to be in our living room next to our wood burner. They tell us funny stories from the fairy land and Father Christmas and his reindeer.

      People like us need a certain amount of kitsch. It’s cosy to be surrounded by some kitsch – but it is horrible when it is too much.

      We send you love and hugs
      The Fab Four of Cley
      🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    • Dear Ashley
      Yes, we suppose he was. Well, the gnomes are rich; they have big treasures in their caves, and they are clever. And ‘normal’ people don’t see them.
      Siri just told me it was the Labour MP Ian Mikardo who first used this expression in October 1954. Harold Wilson made it popular.
      The Fab Four of Cley
      🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  33. Thanks for this fun and spirited post! The photos are great and that ai altered one looks vaguely familiar 😉. My cousin has a home business making custom designed gnomes for all people and all occasions. On my request, she made a viking one for me to gift to hubs to celebrate his Norwegian roots.

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

  35. That gnome with the book is one of the best-looking ones I have seen, so I am glad he was allowed to stay! There are unfortunately a lot of kitschy gnomes around as well, but this certainly does not fall into that category in my eyes. Love that last picture too…. 😆

    Liked by 3 people

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